No Place To Go A Twilight Parody
by Flag118
Summary: **Parody** The Cullen family go broke after Carlisle and Esme loose their jobs, they can't afford to keep up the house! But there one place they can go... Laughs! Fun! Rated T for language and stuff. I don't own Twilight or anything like that :)
1. Chapter 1

"ALICE!" Carlisle yelled from the living room.

"Yes?" She asked, skipping to his side instantly.

"You blew half of our saving on… Shoes… Clothes… and condoms!" Carlisle scolded, scanning through his bank account history.

"Oops!" Alice giggled, not knowing the seriousness of the situation.

"And Jasper, so blew 13,000 dollars on cowboy hats!"

"But I love my hats!" He sobbed, clutching at the pink sparkly hat on his head.

"Emmett… 9,000,000 on BUNNY COSTUMES!"

"That… Wasn't me…" Emmett replied shiftily.

"Emmett, you're not fooling anyone. You have a bunny costume on right now." Alice pointed out.

"Rosalie… 19,000 on face paints?!" He yelled.

"Yes?" Rose looked up from reading her magazine, today painted as a cute panda.

"Edward… 45,000,000,000 on Japanese Love Pillows… And blow up dolls…?"

Eddy shrugged. "Bella is boring, frigit, and incredibly conflicted about losing her virginity."

They heard the door close. Esme was home.

"Oh no!" Esme screamed as she ran into the living room.

"What is it?" Jasper asked, and he stopped riding his imaginary horse.

"I have been fired from my boring fake-ass job!" She sobbed.

The computer made a _ping_ noise.

"You have mail, you have mail…" The whole Cullen family burst into song.

Carlisle clicked his email.

"Oh no!" He gasped dramatically.

"Carly, you already know that those penis enlargement pills don't work…" Esme told him.

"I've been fired from _my_ boring fake-ass bitchy job!" He wailed.

"Oh no!" Alice screamed.

"And you creepy ass children blew all our money!" Carlisle yelled.

"What are we going to do?" Jasper screamed.

"We have no money to keep the house!" Alice yelled again.

"Where will we go?" Emmett sobbed into Edward's shoes.

"Well… There is one place we could go…" Edward thought out loud.


	2. Chapter 2

Alice banged her head against the door of the Swan household, since her hands were busy with bags and suitcases. Bella Swan opened the door.

"Oh, hello." She greeted them, although secretly she thought the Cullen's were… A few logs short of a bonfire.

"BELLA SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED!" Rosalie yelled.

"Oh, please, you've caught Emmett singing _Sunshine_ on the toilet before." Bella sighed.

"No. But now I think about it, that was considerably worse than this." Rose said.

"Did you walk in on Jasper doing his _Magic Hat Parade_?" Bella asked.

"No. This is worse." Esme replied.

"Did you find Edward's _Toilet Diary_?" She said, giving Edward a long look.

Silence.

"Did Carlisle take those penis enlargement pills again?"

"That was a nightmare." Edward sighed, frustrated.

"You're preaching to the choir." Jasper sighed. Everyone look at him.

"I had to do the measuring." He continued.

"So… What's going on?" Bella asked, desperate to change the subject.

"We are completely broke." Carlisle explained, telling Bella the whole story.

"Oh." She replied, not really knowing what to say.

"Can we stay here?" Jasper yelled at Bella.

"I mean…There's not a lot of room…"

"Don't worry. I can fold in half, like a garden chair." Jasper told her, pushing past into her house. The whole family followed him. Alice, Jasper, Edward, Rosalie and Emmett ran upstairs; except Jasper, who galloped on his horse.

"Where are you going?" Bella called up after them.

"To unpack our stuff!" Rosalie yelled back down. Bella ran up the stairs.

"What are you doing in my room?" She asked.

"Unpacking." Edward said.

"YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SLEEP HERE?!" She screamed.

"Yes."

"I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP HERE WITHOUT MY COWBOY HATS!" Jasper sobbed, brushing Bella's things carelessly off the chest of draws. He carefully placed his hats down on it.

"Oh my gosh Jasper be careful!" Bella yelled at him. She turned her attention to Alice, who was hanging her clothes up in Bella's wardrobe.

"Bella, there's not enough wardrobe space for my clothes and shoes and condoms!" She wailed.

"Condoms-" Bella began, but stopped talking as Alice started ripping Bella's clothes out of her wardrobe, and throwing them at Edward and just scattering them around the room.

"Alice!" Bella screamed. She looked at Edward for help. It wasn't very comforting.

"Edward… What…?" She whispered.

"Oh, this?" He said. "This is Miss Mctits." He told her, holding up a life-size plastic blow-up doll.

"Oh my god!" Bella shrieked.

Rosalie was placing all her face paints in Bella's bedside cabinet. At least that wasn't so bad. Although, that gave her little comfort.

Emmett was hanging his bunny costumes in Bella's wardrobe. Alice was yelling at him for taking up all the room. Edward came and stuffed the doll at the bottom of the wardrobe. Alice screamed and bitch slapped them.

"Alice, the wardrobe is for everyone…" Bella began.

"NOOO!" Alice cried, curling up in a ball on the floor. "IT'S FREAKING MINE!"

Jasper placed his red and white hat on Alice's head. Then yelled at her for stealing it.

Bella sat on her bed – or what was left of it – and put her head in her hands. It would be a long day.


	3. Chapter 3

Bella wandered down the stairs to get some cereal.

"Hey Bella." Jasper greeted her with a mouthful of cereal.

"Jasper what are you doing?!"

"I don't know?!" He jumped up, knocking the bowl onto the floor.

"YOU CAN'T EAT! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!" She yelled.

Jasper was about to speak, but he threw up all his breakfast onto the table.

"Oh my gosh!" Bella screamed. Edward came running.

"What? What's going on?" Edward yelled.

"Jasper threw up everywhere!" Bella shouted.

"I also finished the cereal." Jasper said.

"All of it?" Bella asked.

"All of it." He confirmed.

"What am I going to eat for breakfast?"

Jasper shrugged.

Bella sighed in frustration.

"Well, you can go to Wallmart after school, then."

"No mommy! Me don't want to go to Wallmart!" Jasper sobbed into Bella.

"Mommy!? What the fu-"

Jasper's crying drowned her out.

"I'm going to get ready for school." Bella sighed, walking back up to her bedroom. She opened the door, to find Emmett, bouncing on her bed.

"Emmett, get out. I'm going to get changed." Bella said, picking out clothes from her wardrobe. Alice had eventually compromised about the wardrobe, after 45 packets of _Sour Patch Kids_.

"'Changed' as in vampire?" He asked.

"No!" Bella screamed. _Arg. Living with these douche bag nut jobs? Please, I'd rather get a medical exam by a leprous prostatute who walks away with 7 fingers. _She thought.

"Emmett, I'm getting ready for school." She answered, more calmly.

Emmett squealed childishly and hopped away, like the bunny costume his was wearing.

Bella took a light blue shirt and some white jeans out of her chest of draws, and put them on.

Rosalie burst in, without knocking.

"Oh, hey Rose." Bella said.

"I am not Rosalie." She replied.

"Oh?"

"I am a duck." She looked at Bella for the first time that day. She had painted her face as a duck, with a yellow elastic beak over her nose.

"Well… Isn't that…. Well…" Bella stammered. "Anyway, could you knock before you come in next time?"

"Why? It's my room. Who knocks on the door of their own room?"

"Um, it's _my_ room…"

"Oh, Bella. Don't be so selfish." Rosalie said. "Honestly, what dose Edward see in you?"

"ANYWAY!" Bella yelled, "I had just finished changing when you came in, so, to avoid any awkward situ-"

"Excuse me?!" Rose screeched.

"Yes?" Bella asked.

"You're hitting on me!?" Rose screeched again.

"What?! Wh-"

"Oh my god Bella!"

"Rosal-"

"That explains everything… You dating Edward to just be near me… The way you never s*h*ag Edward… You are always such a bitch to Emmett, out of jealousy… It's always been me… All along…" She thought out loud.

"NO! It-" Bella began.

"Bella, I can't believe you!" Rosalie yelled dramatically, storming out of the room.

Bella sighed. Good Lord.

She followed Rose down the stairs.

"Bella, WHERE ARE YOU!?" Bella could hear Alice yelling downstairs. Then… sobbing?

"OH MY GOD BELLA'S DEAD!" Alice cried, curling up into a ball on the floor.

"WE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX!" Edward also curled up on the floor, next to her.

"Guys, I'm right here." Bella said, putting a hand on each of their backs.

"Bella!" Alice screamed, hugging her.

They heard a _bang, bang, bang_ behind them. It was Jasper, running into the door, over and over.

"Jasper, what are you doing?" Bella yelled.

"BELLA YOU'RE DOOR IS BROKEN!" Jasper sobbed. "HOW CAN WE GO OUTSIDE NOW!?"

"OH MY GOD BELLA'S DEAD!" Alice sobbed into Edward's shoulder.

Bella Swan put her head in her hands. Why her?


	4. Chapter 4

Edward Cullen started up the car, and drove.

"Who wants me to paint their face after school?" Rosalie asked.

"ME!" Emmett screamed.

"Yay! What as?" Rosalie yelled back.

"A bunny!"

"Me too!" Jasper also screamed. "Paint me as a cowboy hat!"

"Oh good grief." Alice sighed, her head in her hands.

"ARE WE THERE YET?!" Carlisle screamed.

"Carlisle, why are you here?" Bella asked. "You don't go to school!"

"I don't know!" He sobbed, head in hands.

They kicked him out of the car, and carried on driving.

"_Are_ we there yet?" Emmett asked.

Everyone yelled abuse at him.

Presently, but not presently enough for Bella, since being stuck in a confined space with this Freaky Beaky's was more then she could handle, Edward pulled into Forks High School.

Everyone got out of the car. Emmett was still in his bunny costume, Rosalie still painted as a duck and still wearing the beak. Jasper was wearing a glittery pink winged cowboy hat. Edward, to Bella's horror, had taken Miss McTits to school! Alice was the only one who _looked_ normal…

"Salve Bella!" Alice screamed at her.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Im 'Latine!"

Bella gave her a look that said 'you're mental, Alice Cullen'.

"Nolite mihi dare prospicientium Bella!"

"Hmm…" Bella mumbled to herself. "Vos es Latine… loquentem!" She yelled triumphantly.

"Oh, honestly, Bella, what are you talking about?" Alice said, looking at her in a disgusted and superior fashion as she sauntered past. Bella Swan was left by herself in the parking lot. She caught Edward up.

"OH MY FREAKING GOD BELLA SWAN YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!" He screamed at the top of his voice, after Bella only offered him a friendly greeting of 'hello'.

"Okay… Well… What lesson do you have next?" She asked.

"I don't know!" He yelled.

"I have face painting classes." Rosalie commented, even though no one has asked her.

"Face painting classes?" Bella exclaimed.

"Yes…" Rosalie looked at Bella in the same way Alice had.

"I have Cowboy Hat Collectors lesson." Jasper told her.

"I don't go to lessons." Emmett said.

"What?" Bella asked.

"I just jump around outside until home time."

"Oh… Really?" Bella asked uncertainly.

"Sometimes I eat lettuce and carrots too." He added.

"Habeo inflationes exitibus!" Alice screamed.

"Is that true, Alice?"

"Etiam."

"I LOVE CAKE!" Jasper screamed.

"Inde classem Latinam habeo, ut me exercerem latine." Alice said. "Amo crustulam!" She added, imitating Jasper, except in Latin.

"Sometimes I get face paint in my eye." Rosalie said randomly. "Once I tried to make my eyes red again, with face paint, but it just really stung. Like, a lot."

"You… Just put red paint in your eye…?" Bella asked.

"YES! WHY!? GOT A PROBLEM SON OF A BITCH?" Rose screamed, sobbing and running off. Emmett bounced after her. Bella sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

Bella, who had just finished Geography, made her way to the cafeteria.

"BELLA!" Alice Cullen screamed at the top of her voice. She was waving her over.

"FRIDGIT BITCH! OVER HERE!" Rosalie also yelled, standing up and waving, just like Alice.

"Bella Swan!" Emmett screamed, jumping up and down like a bunny.

"BELLA!" Jasper yelled, standing on the table and throwing his cowboy hat at her.

The whole family were waving her over, and being very conspicuous about it. Everything was silent. Everyone was staring either at the Cullens or at her.

"YES I KNOW I AM COMING OVER JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE SITTING YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL I CAN SEE YOU!" Bella shouted at them. They fell silent, and sat down, disheartened. Bella felt a pang of guilt. She picked up Jaspers cowboy hat and handed it to him. He looked up at her with huge puppy eyes, and started sobbing hysterically.

"Jasper, what's wrong?" Bella gasped, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I lost my hat!" He wailed.

"But… Your hat is right here." Bella replied, gesturing to the hat on the table.

"YAY!" Jasper screamed, hugging the hat close to him.

Rosalie sighed.

"So… How was your day?" Bella asked all of them.

"I came top of my class in face painting!" Rosalie yelled, looking proud.

"That's good!" Bella smiled.

"Did _you_ get to the top of your class?" She asked, looking down her nose at Bella.

"I… Don't go to face painting classes…"

"I'm not talking about that, bitch." Rose snapped rudely.

"Jasper, what about you?" Bella asked him quickly.

"I was taken to Reception and had a long lecture about Bestiality."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Bella screamed.

Jasper shrugged. "It's not my fault. That snail was such a slut."

Bella was speechless. Just… What? … Who was she even talking to…?

"Alice? How was your day?"

"Latin was good. I got 3 marks."

"That's good!" Bella said encouragingly.

Alice looked up at her. "Out of 999." She continued.

"Oh…" Bella said. "Emmett?"

"I had lots of fun jumping around!" He screamed.

"So… You never go to lessons…?" Bella asked.

"No."

"Edward? What about you?" She asked.

"I got suspended." He answered as if it was the most causally thing in the world.

"What?! Why?!" Bella screamed.

"I was caught fucking Miss McTits in lessons."

"Oh god!" Bella cried, incredibly embarrassed. "Why would you do that?!"

"Bella…" Edward said, looking at her straight. "I'm an incredibly horny vampire."

"Edward, I told you," Bella said, pushing her hair behind her ear. "I'm boring, fridgit, and incredibly conflicted about losing my virginity."

Alice and Jasper burst into song randomly.

Bella sighed.

* * *

**Okay, if you don't know what Alice said, just go on Google Translate, and it's in Latin, so do that now!**

**Please review!**


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